A Five-Year Long Rollercoaster Ride, Happy Aniversary.

Tyler and I have been married now for five years. I asked him yesterday what one of his favorite memories is of us. He remembered something that I hadn't thought about in a while. In our first ward we were asked to be ward missionaries together. We accompanied the missionaries on their lessons, specifically teaching a young boy who was preparing to be baptized. We knocked on strangers doors together and brought them some neighborly love, and invited them back to church with a warm seat next to us, it was a wonderful calling. I am so lucky to be married to a man who is excited about the gospel of Jesus Christ, and isn't afraid to share it.

We spent the past three days with some dear friends of ours at their family cabin in Widtsoe, UT. We celebrated our anniversary while we were there and as tradition continues, watched our engagement and wedding dvd together. I looked at those kids (I know, only five years younger) and I saw how worry free, blissfully happy and in love they were. I couldn't help but think, "What the heck is wrong with me now?".  I am not that person on that DVD. My friend articulated it well, "Though we are even more deeply in love with each other now than we were then, we now have to face the realities of life, the responsibilities and let downs along with the joy." It is true, if I was still that giddy 24 year-old with all of the same joys and trials, I would be going crazy with boredom. Progression is not always without burden or weight to carry, but it is eternal, it is what ties us to heaven, progression is what we anticipated before we came to earth, knowing full well that bliss would not be around every second of everyday. Really, what is a free fall on a roller coaster if not for the steep tedious climb that takes you there? 

This past year has been a climb. Yet the view seems to become more beautiful as we click up higher and higher. The adrenaline builds, and sometimes it is hard to breathe. We're sitting in seats where the front of the train blocks our view of the peak and we don't know when we'll reach the top. We can hear the voices in front of us yelling with excitement as they see the glorious drop ahead, but we just have to keep the faith that it exists, and someday we'll free-fall with excitement.

(Tyler would hate this analogy considering his excitement for the rush of a coaster is slim to none).

Another friend just stopped by and we just talked for the past three hours. I know that my heart is safe in her hands. I miss her. She talked to me about a idea she's just formulated and I can relate. She said, "It seems the more that we place our trust in God's hands the less we are in control, and the more we realize that's how it has always been. However the difference is that we know He will always make it perfect in the end." I agree, we will never be disappointed with what He has in store for us. If we are willing to not know anything for a while, we will eventually be given everything forever, we just have to trust in Him.

Tyler and I have had to trust a lot in the Lord during 2012. Infertility is a beast. Four years of infertility is a four-headed beast. Everyone in life is on the roller coaster ride, they may be in the free fall, the steep climb or cruising to the end. Whether infertility, unemployment, loneliness, single-hood, sickness, PTSD, loss, heart-ache, depression, deformity, anxiety, starvation, illness, and the list goes on, I know that our Heavenly Father knows us, He loves us. He is our father.

As Tyler and I knocked on each stranger's home as ward missionaries, we never knew what we would find on the other side of that door. But we knew it was God's will, we would stick together through the call, and our whole purpose was to find joy through spreading it to others. His memory is a lesson I needed to re-learn. God is in charge, we buckle ourselves in, look straight ahead and hold onto each other. We give it all we've got and have to be okay with not always knowing the answers. He will never let us down, unless of course it's finally for the free fall.

 

 Here's to many more roller coaster rides, I love you Tyler.